i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
