Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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