So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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