i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
