Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
