So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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