Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
