I cannot find my penis.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
