the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
