I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
