I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
