Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have fence marks all over my body
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
