yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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