Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
