no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
