Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
