you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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