i already hear my dad disowning me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
