every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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