Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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