The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
