Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My pussy is not your playground.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
