Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
