The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
