Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
