we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
