I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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