I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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