We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
