life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
