I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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