I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
