Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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