I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
