I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
