I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
