Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
