did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
