It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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