How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
