he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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