Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
