I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
