It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
