Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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