paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
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Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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