I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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