I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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