So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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