I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
