omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
