i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Randomize
