I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me