Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'