R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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