Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
