My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
