do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
