Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
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We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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